Botched Kisses

As many of you probably know or have seen in movies or on TV, Europeans often greet each other by kissing each other once on both cheeks. For my part, I always assumed that this was a myth perpetrated by Hollywood, like fancy people extending their fingers when they hold teacups. Believe it or not, they actually do this. You may think I'm an idiot for doubting this tradition, and that's fine, but it completely took me by surprise and continues to confound me. I've always been a fan of the handshake. It's very formal, you get a good judge of character, and it respects each greeter's personal space. Needless to say, I've had trouble adapting. Following are two examples of my failure to rise to the occasion:

I.
My second day at work, I was working away on my computer, cutting and pasting, when this woman, I think her name is Nachi came in. I said hola and continued to work. She bent over at a weird angle so that it seemed as though she was examining my computer screen to check out what I was working on. Noticing my lack of response, she replied, "You're not from Madrid are you?" I was very pleased to be mistaken for a madrileno, but I had to reply no. She chuckled a little and said she was trying to give me a kiss hello. Ugh, my stomach immediately churned and my cheeks reddened with embarrassment. I couldn't get it out of my head, the botched kiss hello. How very Davidian, Larry Davidian. Of course, in my hours of shame, all I could think about was how it was somehow her fault or her culture's fault. Forget my American pigheaded stupidity. It had to be the way she bent in awkwardly while I was sitting down. Honestly, who tries to double kiss someone in a sedentary position?

II.
I do! That's right, I double kiss people in the sedentary position. Yesterday I met two of my Senora's five sisters. I've already met Isabel, which actually translates as Elizabeth. Honestly, who knew that? You can't make this up, I swear. Isabel is Elizabeth. I can't blame them, Isabel is way cooler than Elizabeth. If you have Isabel, why would you name your kid Elizabeth, except for the plethora of nicknames that come with Elizabeth: Eliza, Liza, Lisa, Liz, Lizzy, Beth, Betsy, Lizabeth, Betty, I could go on, but would you really be interested? But I digress. A little Judge Ito sidebar for you. This time I met her sisters Pilar, which is Spanish for Pillar, and Paloma which is Spanish for Dove. (Also, popcorn in Spanish is Palomitas, which translates, of course as little doves. Isn't that tender?) Anyway, I came home and once again botched the kiss hello as I was introduced to my senora's niece, a shy little senorita who when we were introduced inclined her cheek and moved forward, obviously not suspecting my American awkwardness which resulted in my hand extending directly into her stomach. After correcting, I was able to pull through like gymnast after falling off the balance beam and complete the routine with only a little lost pride. Of course, after botching that one, I was more than enthusiastic to kiss hello to the sisters, and I went at it with gusto, ignoring the fact that one of them was sitting by thrusting my cheek onto hers, resulting in her reply, "Wow, it's really cold outside." Si, hace MUCHISIMO frio, I replied. But between us, there was nothing but warmth....The End.

Isn't that Tender?