Snerds of the World Unite

For those not in the know, last year I invented the word "snerd" in order to describe myself in relation to my obsession with crossword puzzles. It's an elision of the words snob and nerd, and in itself would be a pretty good answer in a puzzle, if it ever gains mainstream acceptance (not likely).

Recently there was that Crossworld book that came out, and now there's a new documentary that came out at Sundance. Some of our greatest minds are snerds, and in a recent article at CNN, they include:

Bill Clinton
Jon Stewart
The Indigo Girls
Mike Mussina of the Yankees (coastal bias...we all know that baseball's greatest snerd is...)
Paulie Konerko

Will Shortz, the (as Elaine would say) svenjolly of crossword puzzles is a Hoosier! Born in Crawfordsville (wherever that is) and went to IU.

Of course Beulah, Beckster, and my brother are also snerds who could probably turn out my lights on a puzzle, but I've been working. The past two Christmases I've gotten compendia of NY Times crosswords from Beckster and the Lush. I rank these as some of my most favorite gifts...I don't think there's anything snerdier than taking my crossword puzzle books to the dining hall or the airport and curling back the page and burying myself in the puns and trickeries that good old across and down have to offer. I've spent way too much time at some lunches ignoring my tots trying to figure out what the question mark means for any given clue. Is there anyone else out there that has the love/hate relationship with the question mark that I do?

Themed crosswords are the way to go, and that's why the Times stays ahead. Doing a generic crossword, you always feel like you're wasting your time. These, dear readers, are the VH1 Celebrealty shows of crossword puzzles. Their writers the Flava Flavs of the printed press. They don't leave you with the sense of satisfaction that comes from watching...Roseanne (it's as if Jesus doesn't want me working on my thesis at home--every night is a Nick at Nite marathon). Half the fun is guessing out the punny title and the words or phrases. And so, without further ado, I grab my book, lick my ballpoint pen (I'm an optimist--pencils are for amateurs...or "Thursday through Saturdays")and begin...Fishhook feature (four letters)...this one's going to be a doozy.

Fabrication is the New Plagiarism

So I'm about 37 pages into my thesis, and I'm absolutely sick of quoting. I'm disgusted by citations. I absolutely hate the process of looking at my notes, then taking those notes and the page numbers, going to the texts, then looking up the texts and typing up the quotes into my computer. Then you have to set them up, then you have to explain them, then you have to interpret them. Well, I'm sick of it, and I'm not doing it anymore.

I actually think I may send Johnny Mac an email tonight telling him that quoting is dead to me. It's not like it's an ec or psych or bio thesis where you actually have to have studies and equations and charts to back you up. This whole thesis basically exists inside my head, so why not just make it up. If it worked for James Frey, it can work for me.

So here's the thing. I'm starting to absolutely hate the sound of my own voice on the page. I hate starting sentences with "Although," "Further," "Indeed," "Moreover," "Furthermore," "Despite this." It's all so BORING AND REPETITIVE. So I figure I can at least bolster my argument and spice things up by putting in some quotes of my own imagination.

Here's one for you:
Philip Roth argues, "ryan's argument is the bomb biggity and he doesn't need me to back him up."

I smell Summa. You can't argue with Philip Roth. It's science.

Only six weeks left, and I can honestly say at this point I don't just hate writing the thesis--I actually hate what I'm writing. I'm not clear, I'm not resolute, I have no control over the flow of my argument. Tania's totally wearing the pants in this relationship. And here's the thing, she's really stupid.

Out.

One Dangerous Negro

So I've been making bad life choices instead of working on my thesis (little does Johnny Mac know).

Saturday I went to see Match Point with Beulah and Baby Huey. We all liked it. I've gotta say. I've been a huge Scarlett Johansson fan since, oh, let's say Ghost World, and this really clinched it. I'm not saying she's a great actress. A lot of times she can be a little flat, but that's part of her charm. I think she's probably the only person of my generation with star power. That flat monotone voice vaguely reminiscent of Lauren Bacall, the buxom body of a 1950s pinup. In the words of Elaine Benes, she's a woman--babababoomchickaboomchickaboomboomboom.

The other big star I think is Shakira. To me she's the biggest pop thing since Madonna. As I've read over and over again in raves of her new album, the girl is just plain weird. Her take on the English language is just plain peculiar. Take for example this oft-quoted spoken interlude:
"For you, I'd give up all I own
And move to a communist country
If you came with me, of course
And I'd file my nails so they don't hurt you
And lose those pounds, and learn about football
If it made you stay, but you won't, but you won't"

She's also compared herself to a horse before castration, just full of energy and creativity, whatever that means. Plus, she can't stop referencing her small and humble breasts. What a strangeo. But a brilliant strangeo. I couldn't find smarter pop music in the last ten years if I had a week to think about it.

And last night, finally the Golden Globes. I've stated many times in the last few days that they're the deep-fried oreos of awards shows. Nobody there really gives a shit if they win (oh wait, they're egomaniacs, of course they do). Plus, there are drinks involved so you get to watch drunken celebrities make the most incoherent of all acceptance speeches. Could you imagine if Shakira won a Globe. Jeez, I think she'd thank the all-powerful mother chicken, as well as her unconceived children that she stores in her right foot so that they cannot escape.

Yesterday was MLK day, and I have to say I really made the most of it. What did you do? I celebrated in typical liberal fashion by throwing money at problems and attending a feel-good service at Memorial Church where we all patted ourselves on the back for coming, but then were exhorted to become dangerous Negroes. Count me in! First on my list--calling for the filibuster of Sam Alito. Sure it would be disastrous, and Democrats would hold no power after the nuclear option inevitably went into affect. But fuck it, we're dangerous Negroes, and we don't give a shit. If you don't show a little spine and initiative, how will you ever convince America to give you b[l]ack power.

Is there any doubt about this guy's motives? I mean a lot of hay has been made of Kennedy's membership in the Owl Club, a disgusting, elitist, date-raping organization in its current manifestation, but the Owl Club has nothing on Concerned Alumni for Princeton. Maybe that's just because Harvard misogynists are smarter than Princeton misogynists. Harvard misogynists realize that if you keep women out of the university you can't really date-rape them, can you? And how can you exclude minorities and the poor from your secret organization if they aren't even allowed in your school? You can't have a plantation-style social system if you don't even let blacks into the social strata. I mean come on. Use your heads. In Kennedy's defense, when he went here, the Owl Club, although no doubt disgusting, probably wasn't as bad as it is now.

Karaoke King

Tonight's senior bar event takes us to my favorite bar in Cambridge, Charlie's Kitchen, for karaoke night.

As many of you know, I take karaoke very seriously. I mean that in an almost purely unironic way. I absolutely love karaoke. I think it's very democratic and should be taught in every high school civics class. Everyone gets a fair shake, talented or untalented. The audience loves the lows as much as the highs, and those who obviously rehearsed and are looking for more padding to their lovingly massaged egos are generally ignored.

Plus, it inspires teamwork and cooperation. You don't just pick your favorite song to sing. That is far too selfish. Like picking the ideal band to play at your wedding, you must take your audience into consideration and go for a crowd pleaser. Not just any crowd pleaser will do. Whitney Houston's butchering of Dolly Parton's painfully beautiful "I will always love you" often gets a tepid response. Real classics lie in the area of David Bowie, Neil Diamond, and the even cheesier arena of songs like "total eclipse of the heart" which can really bring down the house. Also, it's always best to pick the one song that has maybe one or two notes completely out of your range in order to show that you're really trying, even if you end up screeching. That's why I've received many email requests in the leadup to tonight requesting me to sing Kelly Clarkson's Since U Been Gone. Unfortunately, I think it's too recent to be on the list of songs.

Tonight I'm undecided as to what I will choose. They have Radio Free Europe on the list, and that is one of my favorite songs, but I think, sadly, it is a little to obscure and doesn't allow for the kind of emoting that the audience craves. The intense singer face shown above always gets a huge response. David Bowie's always a welcome choice. I could whip out my Mick Jagger impression which Franklin Delano Cashew enjoys so much. So many options, but with the crowd at senior bar, it's likely I'll only get to sing one song. Any suggestions in the next coupla hours or so?

One Big Fat "Ugh"

Is this really necessary? I mean honestly. As if I'm not already sick of hearing this day in and day out. Seriously, it's ok in private, but putting this on the blog is just embarrassing. It almost reads like a drunk email or voice message. Has Lisa been getting into the sauce? It's not that I'm ungrateful for the unconditional love of a mother, but this is really emotional diarrhea that is best not put on the internet. Confucius say: When dealing with the public, it's important to keep a sphinx-like countenance. Don't let them know your inner thoughts. Keep them guessing. Seriously, I may have to ban my mom from the comments section. You've been warned.

You and Rick are special. There is no mistake that you have had unbelieveable opportunities provided to you. God has a plan. I firmly believe that. You must always remember that. You must give back. There are not many people in positions of strength who have lived humble lives... It is just the way society is. Many people who are in positions of strength cannot understand why people don't support privatizing social security because they have the money to put into the system. They cannot understand the issues people face who do not have money because they have had no exposure. Money has not been an issue for them. It is not their fault. People like you and Rick must help them understand in whatever capacity you are directed so policies can be changed to help people escape poverty, etc... Not many people who grew up in Northwest Indiana have had the exposure that both of you (and your friends) have had with regard to education, etc. It is a gift. Don't ever be ashamed of your roots. You must never forget your humble beginnings and help others understand the other side in whatever profession you choose so changes can be made to help others... Can you tell how important I feel about all of this???!!!...enough preaching...
Love,
Mom

Let's get ready to Ruuuuuuuumble!

I just found free streaming video on NYTimes for the Alito hearings. Score! Now what's more important, finishing papers, or watching senators get snippy?

Man, opening statements are boooooooring. Wouldn't it be great to be a senator? These guys are so insulated, they have no idea what the real world is. It's kind of like spending your entire life inside the Harvard bubble. And these people represent us? Sheesh.

Accentuate the Positive!

Last night I went out to see The Squid and the Whale with Dame Dane and Beulah. I liked it a good deal.The big story, though, was Beulah telling Dame Dane that she's the most positive person she knows. It was kind of inspiring, because I'm in general a pretty negative person, and the thesis among other things has been getting me down. So my big thing today was trying to be a positive person, and you know what? It worked out pretty well. Sure, I was kind of manic, but that's ok. My one worry is that this delusional happiness is the last stop on the Mental Breakdown Express Line. I don't think it is, but it's weird to be happy for no apparent reason.

I was so motivated and ebullient today that I even worked out! Wubulu and I went to the Quincy Gym and I biked for 10 miles. Not a huge bike ride, but a solid 45 minutes of cardio. I haven't done that since, well, insert long time period here. I have so little energy so often, that I thought if I work out, it'll give me energy. This is true, right? I'm not making this up? Cardio doesn't just take energy, does it? It gives energy, right? Plus, the adrenaline rush and sense of accomplishment is pretty good. And I may sleep better, and food may taste better!

I haven't gotten a ton of work done today, and Johnny Mac may kill me when he finds out I don't have what I said I'd have to show him tomorrow, but I'm not sweatin' it. The rough draft of the Athens paper will be done tonight, and that's all I can really ask for. Not too shabby.

Sure, being positive is an adjustment. I still berate myself for being pretty bad at starting to write, but not too much. The important thing is that I've already got 5 pages of an 8 page paper, and the paper's not even due until Tuesday! I'm even using exclamation points!!

Ok, this is a little disgusting. Deal with it. I guess this means I'll have to start listening to the Polyphonic Spree or some other druggy Jesus music. I don't even think I'm that annoying about it, like a born-again Christian telling you how they've seen the light. Maybe because my positive outlook is so damn fragile. It always seems as if it can snap at any minute. Well, I guess it can. I need to get to work! In the words of a fictional FDR in the work of Philip Roth: "We. Choose. Freedom."...or rather..."I. Choose. Life." Does this mean I have to join Crimson Key Society?

Supreme Court NHB Cage Match

The Alito hearings start tomorrow. Could everyone please retire the ScAlito moniker? It has to be the most annoying thing the Left has produced since John Kerry's salute at the Democratic Convention.

I'm wondering whether or not I should just buy a month's subscription to CNN pipeline so that I can watch these hearings since I don't have C-SPAN. Am I that huge of a nerd? The answer is yes.

I cannot wait. This guy has a paper trail longer than Courtney Love exiting the bathroom. And even better, his excuse for covering up his on-the-record support of overthrowing Roe is that he has no scruples. Oh Joy!

Now if only someone can russle up a pubic hair or two.

Nothing to show for myself but a few extra pounds

Tomorrow I return to Cambridge. When I get back, I have to write two papers, an Advocate article, and a rough draft for the second chapter of my thesis. I hoped to get at least one of these done over break, but unfortunately I accomplished nothing. I read a little bit of Philip Roth criticism and wrote about a page for the Advocate article, but beyond that--zilch. I may be able to finish a rough draft for the article by the time the plane touches down but I'm not holding my breath.

SKIP THE NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED IN A RANT ABOUT THE CURRENT STATE OF TELEVISION AND THE SUPREMACY OF ROSEANNE
What kept me from doing any more work for my thesis you ask? If you haven't guessed TV already, do you really know me? I often get a bad rep for being a couch potato at school, but I only watch about an hour or two a day in my dorm, and I find it much more relaxing than wasting time on the internets. I think it's more that I like to talk about TV more than the average person, especially Seinfeld and Roseanne. I saw a Roseanne reunion on Larry King on Christmas, and it was really great. It really helps seal in how remarkable that show was, without being revolutionary. In order for it to be revolutionary, I think TV must have changed. Unfortunately, I don't think it has. Sure, the dysfunctional family has become a sitcom cliche, but no other television comedy has come close to the social relevance of Roseanne. I think Roseanne was the Steinbeck of our age. Maybe even better. Although other shows try to dip into drama or have "serious issues" shows, no other was able to combine the drama and comedy and social conscience in the way that Roseanne did without getting preachy. Its focus on the working class is also remarkable. Think about the most popular sitcoms of the last decade or so. Done? The yuppy factor has got to go. How many people can really relate to the characters on Sex and the City or Friends? How many times has a character in any popular sitcom actually struggled to pay bills? One of my favorite Roseanne moments is when the electricity gets turned off because they couldn't pay the electrical bills and Roseanne says "Well, middle class was fun." or on the issue of racism where she says "it's bigots like them that make respectable white trash like us look bad." I've had people say that they can't watch Roseanne because they're too crude and can't relate to the characters. I realize I go to Harvard, but that just strikes me as sad. I'd much rather identify myself with the rude morality of Roseanne than the glib, soulless characters on a show like Will and Grace...or dare I say, Friends?

In other news, I think Project Runway is the best show on television. I don't get Bravo at school which sucks because I don't know where I'm going to watch it, and I must. I know a lot of people that watch Top Model. I like that show, especially for Tyra Banks' absurd personality, but it ain't got shit on Project Runway. I think the fashion industry is a kind of Elysian Fields for the bitchiest, most conniving members of our society. It's like the characters of Will and Grace brought to life. Hmm, hypocrisy...yeah. Get over it. This show is addictive, and I don't want to get the monkey off my back. I don't care about the fashion world at all. In fact, I despise it. But for some reason this show sucked me in. Thanks to Salon's Heather Havrilesky for making sure I didn't miss it. Santino is evil. I hope he eats it in the future, but still want him to stick around long enough for more drama and ego. I think I want Daniel V, Emmet, Marla, or Diana to win. They seem the nicest or at least the most out of place.

Also, after I got my wisdom teeth out, Rusck sent me a message screaming "nooooo, now you're going to lose weight. it's not fair, and i'm afraid you'll waste away." Well, my mom always told me I was special, and I guess I am. I actually gained weight after getting my teeth pulled. 10 pounds. The mounds of holiday food combined with my immobility after surgery I guess combined to give me a bit of a belly. Oh well, I'll take it.

NYE was ok. Not as great as last year, but then again, I don't think it's fair to compare the two. This was a pretty good one, though. Except Bighead got into an abortion argument for the second time in a row on a night in which he was staying the night in the apartment of one of MY friends. Different friends, but still. Who doesn't know that you never NEVER NEEEEVEEEER argue about abortion. It's completely pointless. There's so very little common ground.

That's about it.