BIG NEWS

So this was generally a week of big news, and I´ll start at the smallest and work my way up.

1) I got a haircut. Not just a haircut, a Eurotrash haircut. And where do you go to get a Eurotrash haircut, you ask? Well, it´s very simple really. If you want Italian food you go to Little Italy, if you want fabric, you go to the fabric district, if you want steak, you go to the butcher, and if you want to get a bitchin´ haircut, you go to the barrio gay. It´s kind of like the protomullet I had at the beginning of last year with a lot more sass. So just how hot is it, you say? Well, that night as I was walking home, someone catcalled at me. It really gives me an inferiority complex. I feel like my hair is judging me, thinking "I´m way too cool to be atop this fool´s head. Who does he think he is? Well, that´s it, I´m declaring independence from this lameo, and now he´s going to have to go through life without me. That´s right, I´m pulling the bald ultimatum." Well hair, it was nice while it lasted.

2) I´m going to Mallorca. I´ll be staying in the pueblo of Sa Rapita with it´s beautiful beach and lifestyle. It will be awesome in a subdued way. The kid really likes Mallorca. Way more than Madrid, so that´s good, except that he´s a kid, so what does he really know. Actually a lot. He´s really good at English, but he´s ten so our mutual conversation topics aren´t quite numerous. It´s a lot of me asking stupid questions that he´s reluctant to answer. Honestly, what do you talk to a ten year old about? I think I´m going to take a hint from Beulah´s nieces and introduce him to the Beatles. It should be a lovely summer full of awkward silences, brilliant beaches, and living the life of luxury. There are restaurants there, which means there are cafes and such to hang out in. And I think I can make friends. My Spanish is adequate and with my new haircut, I at least "look" reasonably Spanish. Plus, for some reason this weekend I was making friends with Spaniards left and right (and no, it´s not the haircut, this was before that, but the phenomenon continued afterward).

3)Princesa Leticia of Spain is knocked up. Principe Felipe´s boys can swim, and the Spanish monarchy has an heir to the heir. I´m all very excited. I love the Spanish monarchy, they´re so well-behaved, not like the retarded British monarchy. Mainly it´s just more hushed. Everyone sticks to their roles. The role of the queen is basically to be gorgeous, and the role of the king is to treat her like she´s not...namely by cheating on her early and often. Honestly, Juan Carlos cheats on Sophia more than the border ruffians voted in the Bleeding Kansas elections. Now there´s a Sarah Vowell-worthy American history reference. The royal family serves the wonderful job of diverting attention from the private lives of politicians and the wrath that comes from having a political figure be the head of state, namely all that "he´s not my president" bullshit. The king also unites just about all Spaniards behind him. In a country with bickering ethnicities like the Basques and the Catalanes, the one thing they can all agree on is the goodness of the king Don Juan Carlos, although a lot of people think the monarchy is terminally ill and too close to the Socialists, but whatever.

That´s about it, although I want to mention this so that it is recorded. My Heart Will Go On is HUGE in Spain. It´s possible to hear it every day, maybe even several times a day in muzak, regular version, and horrible street musicians playing a deplorable alto clarinet or even worse...wait for it...panflute. Oh god I hate the panflute. For a nation so irreversibly hip, you´d think they´d get over the Celine Dion obsession, but apparently this is the price they pay for selling their souls to being cool. Seriously, pity me for having to suffer that ear poison. Honestly, that stuff is more harmful than the poison poured into the king´s ear in Hamlet.

And another thing, people. UPDATE YOUR BLOGS. I´M BORED AND NEED SOMETHING NEW TO READ.